The Dazzling Future

The Lifeboat №16: On uncertainty, anxiety, labels and the future.

Why do I need such consolations, over which the Damocles’ sword of disappointment hangs incessantly? Only one truth is safe. - Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy

The future has always seemed to me unstably hazy. Sometimes so hazy it was scary to peek into as if you were a kid again seeing a mythical creature under the bed, and at other times so clear and bright that looking at it even out of the corner of your eye can make you blind.

For a kid with a 'normal' childhood, every next day is like that - bright, almost dazzling. After school, you go out with friends, play football, or just watch Pokémon on TV if the weather is bad. Tomorrow is only four classes instead of six. In a week's time, there's a parents' meeting at school and you're scared of your grades, or more precisely, that your mum will see them. In a month, it's a summer holiday. After five years you finish school and take exams, then after another few months, you enrol to university - if your grades are good, if not - a military service. A few options, but everything is simple and straightforward.

All of these, big or small, bad or good, but adventures, alluring but deceptive like mirages. You wait for them, trying to speed up time, you want to grow up ahead of time, but they get farther away, changing, merging, dissolving and hiding in the haze. As you get older, the childishness slowly ebbs away, and the future begins to dim. All that remains is the haze. Everything new irritates, and sometimes scares, rather than being exciting and enthralling. But you still want time to go faster, to get closer to something, but to what? - you don't know. And does it really matter? You just want to be anywhere but in the proverbial ‘now’.

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